“I have the emotional stability of a seesaw.”
Was the comment I made to my friend as a joke but the offhand statement seems to sum it up pretty well. I was going to wait a few months into blogging before I started writing about any ‘deep stuff’ but I created my blog as an outlet and it’s been on my mind a lot recently.
I’m not sure if I could confidently call myself a completely happy person but that doesn’t really say a lot considering I don’t carry myself with a lot of confidence. I love my family and friends and they really do help bring a smile to my face but there are some things that they can’t fix, only I can.
I just don’t know if I have the strength to do so.
Up until the ages of around 12 or 13 I was really confident and outgoing so I would introduce myself to anyone new that I wanted to get to know. I guess through secondary school things that happened changed the way I viewed myself and I wouldn’t come to realise it until later.
I pretty much had the same set of friends all through Primary school though I was ditched by a few as they got ‘popular’ and I didn’t. One of my best friends told my crush that I liked him and I was chased all around the playground by him and his friends until I cried. I may have been 11 at the time but I had never been so mortified or ashamed at that point in my life. During my first and second year at Academy I shrugged it off and laughed about it, if they wanted to drop me to be ‘cool’ that was fine by me, I had real friends and didn’t need people like that in my life. I still feel that way but I just know now that when it happened I was hurt by it but refused to admit it.
After those two years, I seemed to shrink away. I was closed off to strangers but was still the same me around my friends so that’s what really matters. There were times where I felt left out of my friendship group but those periods seemed to last a month or two at most and everything was alright again.
Long story short, I don’t know what went so wrong.
There are multiple factors that lead to my unstable self. I’ve never been officially diagnosed with any mental health problems so if I mention feeling anxious about something it’s not because I have anxiety, just that I needed synonyms to make for a better read (this also applies to follow up posts).
- Not being good enough for others. This is probably the issue that is at the forefront of everything right now. I often feel like a burden to others, especially when I’m emotional, which is a lot. Though I get emotional when I feel like I’m being a burden; it’s a vicious cycle. I also have the habit of comparing myself to others and pointing out the flaws in myself. The worst part is, I’m aware I do it, I hate that I do it but I can’t easily bring myself to stop. I’ve reduced this part recently but I will regularly scroll through other girls’ Instagram accounts to deliberately make myself feel like crap (the same way that you listen to sad songs when you’re upset). I’ll write another blog post about it because I can go into more details into how it affected my relationships with other people.
- Fear of the unknown. This relates to the first concert I went to, just before my 14th birthday. It was a great experience that went downhill. Again, I feel like it deserves a separate post to fully describe what happened and how it relates to my attitude towards events now. I now feel sick whenever I know something is being planned but I don’t know what it is. To be fair it’s a curse and a blessing because I feel like it’s made me a more organised and sensible person as a result.
Don’t get me wrong I’m having a great time almost always. It’s just that I also have these thoughts buried in my brain that people could have more fun without me. This blog post is also a bit of a downer but I did start writing it at 1am after having a breakdown and crying a lot but I feel like it helped me to explain where these feelings are coming from.
I refer to the times when I cry a lot for varying amounts of time as my ‘breakdowns’. Afterwards, I’ll most likely be fine and brush it off as if nothing has happened and probably refer to myself as stupid, all in good humour though.
This is a bit of an overview of the thoughts that can rattle around my head. I’ve briefly mentioned some of the things that I’ll talk about in more detail but that’ll probably happen another night at 1am when I’ve just finished crying my eyes out; gotta be productive when you can’t sleep.
If you ever feel something similar to me make sure you talk about it. I’m still a bit embarrassed about how much I cry, especially in front of the ones I love but having a support system around is one of the best and most comforting things I can do for myself.