Setbacks can be far too powerful. Weeks worth of effort and progress towards becoming a person that I’m proud of can all vanish after one day and over the past few weeks I’ve had so many setbacks that they almost pushed me to the point of giving up. Trying to get through a bad day can be so difficult for me that I sometimes break and then all of the previous reasons I had for hating myself return. Though I have never loathed myself so much and also tried so hard to look towards a more positive outcome.
Back in February, I wrote a blog post titled, ‘My State of Mind,’ which briefly spoke of the things that really impacted how I enjoyed the world. One of these reasons being that I didn’t feel like I was good enough for others and whilst this is still a significant issue for me it’s becoming more apparent that I don’t feel like I’m good enough for myself either. I have this life that presents opportunity, growth and happiness but I throw it all away because I’m insecure, lacking in confidence and too afraid to grasp it because I’m scared of the “what if’s”.
I struggled throughout secondary school because I didn’t feel good enough for my friends and was often left feeling left out and unwanted. I blamed it on FOMO and criticised myself for getting too attached when I should have been trying to become my own person. I was right in some ways about these reasons but gaining new friends at university helped me realise that it wasn’t entirely my fault. Being treated like I matter and my opinions are valid really helped me feel like I can make a difference in the way I view myself and other people.
I just moved back to Aberdeen for the summer and therefore I’m far away from one of my main support systems. Whilst I still have Dan and my parents at home to be there for me when I need it, I’ve started to feel lonely again. Phone calls are great but they can only do so much. My motivation to do anything has been lacking and even tidying away the clothes I could barely bring myself to iron feels like too much effort. My blog that I have great pride in is slipping through my fingertips because writing about anything requires effort if I want to sound somewhat intelligent or interesting.
As I write this it is currently 1am on Friday morning and I’ve just stopped crying which explains the change in tone from my other updates. Whilst previous updates focused on physical things such as diet and exercise, I wanted to take the time to write about the nitty-gritty stuff and how my personal hurdles seem monumental a lot of the time. It gives me space where I can truly bare everything, wear my heart on my sleeve and let my blog be for me. To forget about everyone who could be reading and begin to accept that my issues aren’t gonna be fixed by an extra glass of water now and then but by patience and proper self-care that involves finding a real purpose that revolves around nobody but myself.
The loss of Edinburgh seems to have affected me a lot more than I thought it would. Having my friends so close and a huge list of things I wanted to do with them made me excited about going out. Now that I’m back in the town where I grew up, home alone a lot because my family are at work and school, I just sit in my room watching Netflix. Granted it doesn’t stray too far from what I did in my flat in Edinburgh but now if I want to go somewhere it’s twice as far and costs me a lot more to get there.
Some of you may know that I’m going to Paris in a fortnight with Dan and I cannot wait. It’s my favourite place in the world and I want to explore as much as I can and immersive myself in new surroundings. I’ve gone a bit crazy over planning it (sorry, Dan) but I find that having something to look forward to gets me moving. If I do some chores or go on a run, by the time that’s over I’m closer to doing something I’m waiting for. Paris is quite a big help but I can only look forward to it for so long until I travel there and then come home. Rather than just being sad in the future when it’s over I make sure to have other, smaller events to motivate me too. Whether it’s meeting up with some old school friends or a job interview for a position I would love, having a goal begins to make everything else worthwhile.
Whilst this blog post hasn’t been about exercising (I still am) or eating healthily (not even close) it still shows how I’m trying to progress in my own headspace. I mentioned in a previous update that I didn’t want to just focus on everything bad and I take that back. For me, it’s necessary to think about the things that don’t go according to plan. Writing it out on my blog lets me untangle my thoughts and see where I went wrong so that for the next month I can focus on improving those aspects and myself overall.