In case you couldn’t tell from my last update, I’ve been feeling a bit rubbish recently. I was hoping that I would start to feel better when I was back in Edinburgh and had a change of scenery but as nice as it is to be surrounded by my friends again, I’m still an emotional wreck. I cry a lot (to the point when I feel sick), including recently in a bar which was particularly mortifying.
I’m constantly trying to find something to do so that I have a way to distract myself from my thoughts. My current hobbies include reading more than I have in a long time, working on my blog or watching Netflix. If it means that I check my phone less then it’s good for me and means I get to break my bad habit of constantly refreshing social media. These small things are giving me a chance to focus on myself again instead of what other people, mainly one person, are constantly up to. By blogging more, I can unload all my thoughts onto the internet without feeling like a burden to anyone like I often do. My friends and family are so incredibly kind to me and give me hugs whenever I need them but it still sucks to be that one person in the group that brings everyone down.
Even though I feel like I’m moving forward in a positive way by doing the aforementioned things, I’m still not leaving my flat, or even my room as much as I should. I would have thought that this might have improved after I left halls because I am a lot more comfortable around my new flatmates but I still find it safer to be in my room in case an emotional outburst occurs at any moment.
“Comfort, the enemy of progress.” – P.T. Barnum
This quote is stuck in the back of my mind a lot which is why I’ve been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone a little at a time. The only bright side to my utter devastation is it is starting to nudge me into trying to become a person that is perhaps worth being loved. I am taking small steps towards overcoming my social awkwardness by going to social events alone with the hope that I’ll manage to speak to new people and hopefully make a friend. I wish I could say that I was trying to better myself for my benefit rather than because I want someone to notice me more but it’s not true.
I’m completely aware that all these things aren’t going to help me get over my heartbreak instantly but it feels better knowing that I still can make progress by myself without one of my biggest fans standing by my side. It might hurt a lot now because I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that the one person I need most, doesn’t need me anymore or because my period is due and in a week I’ll be much better. I hate that I wish for one person so much but when you love someone far more than you’ve ever loved yourself, it’s hard to keep going without them.