I hate the saying, “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”
When Dan and I broke up I heard that phrase a lot. I understand they’re supposed to be words of comfort and I appreciate that people were trying to help me feel better but I get angry when I hear them. I’m not a huge believer in fate. I believe things happen as a result of the decisions we make, not because there is some ‘great plan,’ that we’re all supposed to slot into.
I will hold up my hands and say that I am fairly passive in my own life when it comes to making decisions, whether they are big or small. “I don’t mind,” or “It’s up to you,” escape my lips so many times a day that I cannot be making any feasible difference in my life. I am aware of the irony of me saying things happen because of the decisions we make and then never actually making a decision but I believe that being aware of my problem is the first step towards overcoming it.
I was defined as being “Dan’s Girlfriend,” for such a long time by so many people that everyone, including myself, seemed to forget that I was my own person beforehand. Now that he’s not a huge part of my life anymore I’m stuck in this place where I’m trying to remember what it’s like to have a life without a boyfriend, whilst holding onto the happy memories of our relationship. It’s no secret that I’ve never had much faith or confidence in myself but Dan always saw the best in me and helped me overcome the parts that I wasn’t too fond of. My lack of self-love is a major problem area for me because I’ve relied on it from other people, mainly Dan, for so long that I became too dependent and don’t know what to do without it.
On the complete opposite side of the spectrum, I can be incredibly stubborn. I should really have utilised this trait to put my opinions forward more often rather than letting people push me around but I was so scared of coming off as bitchy that I just let things slide. Now that I am thinking for myself more, I am using my stubbornness to my advantage and not giving up when I want answers, especially when I think I deserve them. As it is so out of character for me, I feel like I am now seen as the ‘psycho ex-girlfriend,’ because I think I am being played around.
I have been learning to stick up for myself more since the breakup because I hate it when people treat me like my opinions and feelings are invalid or make decisions on my behalf. Nobody gets to make those decisions for me anymore and I’m gaining the confidence I need to speak up when I’m not happy with the way I’m being treated. Recently it hasn’t down well and I’m being told that I’m, “making up issues,” which brings me back to the point of having my opinion disregarded because someone else doesn’t agree.
I still cry a lot, out of frustration, stress or sadness, you name it but I try to find the root of my problems so I can either fix them or learn from them. When I originally started these ‘Progress Updates,’ I thought that I mainly wanted to undergo a physical change which would happen through exercise and healthier eating. My logic six months ago was that I would automatically become happier because I looked and felt better physically. I realise now that this is not true because I still hide in my room in the evenings crying my eyes out and hating myself more afterwards.
It’s obvious that nobody can truly understand my mind, least of all myself. But to all my friends who buy me chocolate cake, give me hugs and send me messages to make sure I’m okay, I love you all so much and cannot thank you enough for not giving up on me yet. One day I’ll be okay, it’s just a long way off.