“There will be no miracles here.”
This is a great kind of quote for me. It’s not particularly thought-provoking or inspiring but it does match up with the realistic way I want to think about life. I don’t believe in miracles, fate or destiny but in the fact that things happen as a result of the decisions we make and we have to face the aftermath of our actions, good or bad. I also believe in hard work so whilst there may not be miracles in life, great things can still happen to me, I just have to set the wheels in motion.
In a way it’s kind of ironic. Generally speaking, I like to think that I work pretty hard but especially recently because I’m serious about improving my mental health. So when I did well in my exams last semester I was disappointed to see that the university managed to mess up my final marks. There are definitely no miracles here. It was particularly frustrating considering how much stress I had put myself under, probably averaging on two panic attacks a day during the exam period. This was when I wrote, “A Week of Hell to the Summer of Me,” because I knew that I desperately needed to dedicate the upcoming months to pulling my life together before I fell apart again.
I like to think I’ve accomplished a fair amount over summer. A lot of the things that I said I wanted to achieve, I actually have, like writing more or visiting more coffee shops. I can confirm that I have done the latter exceptionally well and have perused Edinburgh’s coffee scene to a pretty good extent, scouring out cafes where I will spend hours doing readings and writing essays over the next nine months. I’m really proud of some of the blog posts that I’ve written and I’m really happy that my efforts have been recognised as I have a much higher viewer count than I did back at the start of the year. I also had time to explore Scotland and Europe more than I had before and I absolutely loved interrailing. I hope some of you followed along as I did Oor Wullie’s Big Bucket Trail which took me to Glasgow, Dundee, Aberdeen and all across Edinburgh. This summer was the most relaxed I’ve been for such a long time. I had a job that I looked forward to going to, stopped worrying about the impression I was making on other people and took some time out for myself.
I was scared to start uni again because I know how much pressure there is to produce high quality work whilst staying on top of studies and I can struggle to keep my mental health in check too. As I haven’t succeeded in balancing everything during my two foundation years, it’s a little hard to have faith that this’ll change as I start my honours. I know that I have the potential to do well this year but there’s also a chance if I start to fall behind even a little bit, I’ll begin to spiral. I can’t struggle through the semester and constantly be on edge so I wanted another outlet to help me relax and let off my steam. So you’re reading a blog post written by a new member of the University of Edinburgh Boxing Society.
Crying can be a major stress reliever for me so when I go a little too long without a good sob, I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of a panic attack. Whilst it helps me, I’m not entirely convinced that it is the healthiest way to let out my frustrations. I’m hoping that boxing will help me do this in a more constructive way, especially as I’ll be getting a lot fitter. I plan on training two to three times a week so it’s a big commitment, especially for a beginner but it should pay off in the long run. It does mean that on top of my usual university classes, workload and assignments, I’ll also be juggling boxing, blogging, work, cello playing and going to the gym as well as trying to get reasonable amounts of sleep, eating healthy and having some sort of social life. My calendar has never looked this full which is equally satisfying and terrifying.
With a schedule as busy as this, for the first time in my life I’m barley thinking about dating anyone right now. I’ve can’t believe I’ve been in two serious relationships before I’ve turned 20. I think at some points, I was so worried about being with another person that I lost myself along the way. Even though Summer has been good for me, I’m still working on my relationship with myself rather than searching for a guy to have a relationship with. It actually feels great being single for now even though I complain about wanting a cuddle a lot. I’m more relaxed as I don’t worry about someone liking me, it’s just the validation from myself that I need.
“There will be no miracles here,” so if I want all of this to come together, I’ve really got my work cut out for me. Over Summer I tried to do away with false hope and focus on realistic and attainable goals. I’m not completely delusional, I know that there are definitely going to be days when my mind shuts down and I don’t do anything productive but as long as those days are less frequent, I don’t mind as much. You never know, maybe the next time I write a post like this, I’ll be hench from all my working out. Either way, I’ll probably be exhausted from uni work and just looking to complain on here.