My mind is a bit of a tricky place. I unnecessarily break down into tears because I get tied up in thoughts that shouldn’t bother me at all. Due to recent events, this has been happening to me more frequently so I put off writing this ‘ Progress Update,’ to avoid thinking about all of these aforementioned situations. I don’t know if it’s because I’m paranoid or just lacking in self-confidence but insignificant details can really weigh me down even when I try to push them from my mind.
I try not to let other people define who I am as a person but as I don’t think much of myself, I allow others to fill that gap. It’s ironic in a sense because I am such a pushover when it comes to everything, except on an opinion of myself when I am certain that there is no such thing as a positive opinion. It relates back to my blog post, ‘My State of Mind,’ where I talked about not feeling good enough for others. That feeling still stands and in some ways, it’s more prominent than it ever has been.
I tried to transform myself into a better person by exercising more and eating healthier but they can only get me so far. These physical changes aren’t going to help the girl that can’t spend a few minutes alone in her thoughts without risking an overflow of tears. So for now, I’m going to put a pause on all those things such as a skincare routine and get to the bottom of what’s really going on with me mentally.
If I can stop myself obsessing over outrageously beautiful girls on Instagram and measuring myself against them, maybe I can build a life for myself that focuses on how good it could feel to be me. It’s changes such as ‘not comparing myself to others’ that need to happen sooner rather than later because I know that I’m never going to properly feel good about myself if I always think there is someone better than me.
I might start writing shorter, more frequent Progress Updates, especially when I have major mood swings from feeling great about myself to not. Who knows, maybe when I get back to Edinburgh my mood will improve dramatically but I can never be sure of my emotional state. My blog has been and will always be for me. It’s my personal diary for all the highs and lows in my life that come with finding my feet in the adult world but you’re more than welcome to join as I unlock a more positive me.