Becca Marriner

Hello, it’s been a while since I posted a chatty/update blog post of sorts. Whilst this one won’t be as particularly cheerful or optimistic like, ‘19 is My New Favourite Number,’ I’ve been having a rough time recently and needed to let a few things out.

I wrote a blog post a while ago about how underlying problems in the back of my mind can emphasise anything else that might go wrong. My second year of university was particularly hard for me because I had so many mental health issues during the first semester. Whilst those issues improved during the second semester, the dramatically increased workload stressed me out and meant that I was constantly on the edge, without even realising it. I powered through and never really let myself think about how stressed I was because I had so many wonderful things going on at the time.

Recently, I’ve had a few ghosts from my past crop up and they reminded me of a time when I was in a really bad place. It was then when I reflected on those bad times that I realised that my mental health hadn’t improved as much as I had hoped and that I had just refused to acknowledge the pressure I was under. I had suppressed so many of my anxieties over the past few months that they all came back in a day and I fell apart.

In a way, suppressing those feelings for a while did help me because I realised what was important to me and how I needed to improve myself for a more permanent change. Now I just need to act on those things so the compulsion to suppress any feelings of anxiety or depression won’t be there. With the stress of exams and assignments, starting a new job and trying to maintain hobbies and a social life, it was all too much. I need to take a little time to focus on the things that make me happy when I don’t have university weighing me down for the next few months.

I’m feeling so much relief now that second year is over (provided I pass) but the burden of my mental health has already done irreversible damage to my relationships with people. What I thought was a bad week was actually a condensed bad few months and affected others in ways that I never wish they would. While I’m open in talking about my mental health, I try and keep it contained whenever I’m having some sort of crisis because I never want my own issues to negatively affect someone else. I would never wish it on anyone and would struggle to forgive myself if it was my actions that had brought someone down.

There’s the saying, “right person, wrong time,” which has never been more true for me than now. Breakups hurt so much more when you know that the relationship could have blossomed into something amazing if the circumstances had been different. Everything seems so shit right now and it’s hard to remember that it should eventually get better. I’ve always struggled with not feeling good enough and when I found someone that made the feel the opposite, I still have to let them go.

It’s obvious that I’m not at the place where I thought that I was with my anxiety or depression. There’s so much work to be done and I’m already exhausted from trying. I barely know where to begin except from pouring out every thought I have onto my blog and acknowledging that things aren’t right. I want to make this the Summer of Me and figure out how I can actually make a difference in my life so that I don’t have to worry about bringing others down.

I’m going interrailing in a few weeks and it’ll give me the time and space I need to clear my head. When I come back I’m hoping for a fresh start, a new perspective and the chance to prepare for my honour years at university. I’d love to become the hard-working student that I feel like I should be and get a somewhat decent grade at the end of my degree. At the very least, I want to feel good enough again.

Thanks for sticking around.

Becca x