It’s been too long since I actually published any sort of life update blog post. That’s not to say that I haven’t started writing many at 3am when I haven’t been able to sleep but none of them have made it past the ramble stage and onto publishing. I still can’t believe that it’s been almost two months since I got back from my interrail trip as it feels like both two weeks ago and two years ago. In that time I haven’t had any astonishing revelations but my attitude has generally changed to a more promising one.
I’ve certainly moved on from things in the past with or without the closure that I believe I deserve. I think I’m looking towards the future with a more realistic vision of what I can actually achieve with my mental health but honestly some days, it doesn’t feel like a lot. I want to take the time to understand my mood swings because it would so much easier if I can prevent panic attacks before they happen. I also want to teach myself a little more self-love and self-care so I won’t find it entirely shocking if someone finds me attractive. It’d be nice if I can define myself by the way I choose to present myself and not base it off validation from other people.
For a long time I felt like I was defined by my relationships with other people and that’s something I really wanted to change. I hate facing constant reminders that I wasn’t good enough so I try to squash it by reminding myself of my independence in any way I can. Sometimes it can be something as small as doing a pub quiz by myself and not coming last. Though if I feel like I failed in a way, for example by coming last in said pub quiz, I feel just as shit as before. Like I’ve failed myself.
In some ways I still feel like I am the girl who was dumped by text, two hours before her last exam. I know that technically I am but I know I’m so much more than that. It has somewhat encouraged the petty side of me to show him what he was missing by presenting myself as the badass I want to be. But the truth is I want to prove to everyone, most of all myself that I don’t expect, want or need anyone to fix me. So whilst my pettiness isn’t one of my most attractive qualities, it does push me forward in life as I strive to be a more secure person.
I think taking off the rose-tinted glasses about my future is really helping me to move on. There were so many ideologies in my head which were great for daydreaming about but it got to the point where I fooled myself into thinking that they would happen. It was false hope that prevented me from moving on before in the way that I wanted so thinking about the future in a more realistic way will help me achieve some actual goals.
All of that aside, ya gal is feeling validated and not just because someone has commented on my Instagram saying I look nice (but that is still nice thing to happen so I encourage you all to do so) but because I look in the mirror and think, “damn, I look good today.” And whilst my blog might not have as many views as I would perhaps like, I’m still so happy about the content I’m putting out because it’s all work that I’m proud of. It’s things like this that make me happy and feel more independent. This is a nice change for me. One of the big issues that rose from my depression was the constant need for validation from others as I never felt good enough for anyone. I know I can be pretentious at times but that part of me would rather exude perhaps a little too much confidence then go back to crying myself to sleep because I wasn’t sure if anyone genuinely liked me.
I know that my problems have been hardwired into my brain for too long for me to just change over one Summer but this is honestly the best I’ve felt in years despite the occasional blip. Ya gal is thriving and living her best life and it feels pretty good. I’m focusing on making myself happy for my own sake and lucky enough for everyone else, they get to enjoy me at my best self.